Vole

The Utter Madness of Pretense

today’s world is all about pretense. Nothing else.

We’re all pretending that it’s all okay. Everything is alright. Everything is bound to whatever society expects from us and that’s alright. Everything is just great. We’re all fitting in a box and refusing to think out of it. We’re just doing our best to be plain simple. And even in our extra-ordinary behavior we’re not even coming close to the limits of what is expected. We’re not even coming close to chocking not only everybody else but ourselves. We’re playing safe.

Cause we fear insecurity. We fear ourselves. We fear jumping out of the box. Even when we think we’re exceptional we’re staying put and not expanding our horizon as it should. We refuse because it is to scary.

As such we can have the pretense that we can dress up as a women whilst being a man in ‘normal’ life, but as such we are scared as hell to discover something else that is not society bound.  We’re just too afraid. We are too insecure. And that kills us. It kills us in being a complete human being. Living on the edge. Not thinking but feeling. Because we are programmed. Because we are brainwashed. To think that we are exceptional. That whilst we are not. And we are not. We are just touching the boundaries. Scratching at what is normal and expected. Simply pretending what we are not.

We are human. And that mean that we are overtaken by our own ego’s. By our own fucking shortcomings. We’re all pretending. We’re all just fucking bloody plain. And we shouldn’t pretend.

We’re nothing. Deal with it. Do not pretend.

Confession/revelation

What was once an open book has become a parliamentary meeting behind closed doors. Openness has ended up in sharing brief details that seemingly do not matter. It’s weird, to say the least.

I’ve always been somebody that said what i felt and thought. But during these past years i’ve changed into this creature i’ve now begun to fear. I feel like my rationality has taken over my whole being. That whilst on the inside i am screaming to just feel. Just feel. And scream. Very fucking loud.

i have not left any room for my emotions to be expressed. And it looks like this has resulted in a complete shut down on whatever lies in my heart.
I’ve not been able to share crap.
Fucking crap that has been haunting me day and night. Every bloody moment i took a breath. Every time my heart didn’t stop beating.

I’ve tried. God knows. I’ve bloody tried. I’ve tried telling people i call friends. People i love. And even people i normally couldn’t care less about. But i couldn’t. I fucking tried in a manner that would seemingly ease the burden. That would make the weight a lit less to carry. But i simply couldn’t. Fuck no.i couldn’t.

There’s this mental stop i’ve apparently built in, this shitty reluctance to talk about shit that matters.

I know that till some extend it is clear madness, but a certain part of me knows that in the end it will be me that will have to deal with it. On my own. And stand all alone. Alone.

But even with that in mind i need to get this off my chest. Desperately. Seriously. I’ve just had enough with this paralyzing, enough with this suffocating, enough with this fucked shit.

There will not be any changes to this road that lies ahead. At least the end of it all. No fucking way. No change.
And that’s just it.
All this will end. This road will stop. This heart will stop beating.
I will stop living.
And that all because of this shit called cancer.
And there you have it. That is it. Yeah. Cancer.