Tag Archives: thoughts

My Way – For the End is Near

And now, the end is near

And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
[I’ll] state my case, of which I’m certain
I’ve loved a life that’s full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than that,
I did it my way…

Regrets, I had a few
But then again, [too] few to mention
I did what I had to do
and saw it through without exemption,
I planned each charted course,
each careful step along the highway
And more, much more than that,
I did it my way…

Yes, there were times,
I’m sure you knew,
When I bit off
more than I could chew
But through it all,
when there was doubt
I ate it up… spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
and did it my way…

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
I’ve had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
“Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way”.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the words he truly feels
and not the words of one who kneels,
The record shows I took the blows
and did it my way…

Oh, no, oh, no, not me,
I did it my way…

Love?

I don’t know if it’s just that time of the year, if it’s what I am encountering here in Turkey or if it’s my hormones playing up or whatever. But I’ve been asking myself more than often that same question over and over; “What is actually that emotion people describe as love?”.

I’m not sure. Through the years I’ve had various definitions of love. Different descriptions of that very important emotion. But I doubt if I’ve ever fully grasped it. Maybe even that is not possible. And it might change with time and experiences.

The only truth in this may as well be that ever since I was born I have tried to find love. Wherever possible. With my parents. With the very wrong friends or boyfriends. With people that deserted me after a while for all the obvious reasons. I’ve tried loving. Loving to the core. Loving in the fullest possible manner. Because I always felt that that particular emotion was missing in my existence. I’ve simply never encountered love in any sense when I was a kid. This is not something to be sad or depressed about. It’s just a fact like any other.

And to be frank, even if that was a fact in my childhood, I’ve never ever felt loved in my life. Of course looking back objectively I must say that there were people that surely loved me. But it never felt that way. It was nearly like I programmed myself that I was not deserving to be loved. I was only capable to give love. Not expecting anything in return. Except maybe to be disappointed and heartbroken.

It’s maybe something I’ve come to think about since experiencing the society here. Where emotions like love are so well hidden from each other. It might as well not be possible to love out in the open in this country. Or even to feel anything besides hidden friendship for each other. But what really is love?

If it is really something I do not feel secure enough to deserve then what? If it’s nothing I can receive but only give? If it’s only something that needs to be hidden far, far away from the public eye? If it’s really a rationalizing of what is possible and what not? Is it really worth it then? Or is it just worth anything? Is it everything you can wish for; to love and to be loved?

The only thing that matters is that you are able to tell yourself that you want it and that you want it irrevocably! What? That you want to take part in life, instead of being an observer; that you want to make decisions about when to say no to evil – in brief, that you will have civil courage at the appropriate moment.

Svetlana Broz – Essays On Civil Courage ‘Having What It Takes’

Politics and Love in Turkey

This is something strange. It’s something I’m not sure I understand nor if I want to understand. It’s something so deeply rooted it’s even quite worrying. And it even might be fucked up. But at the same time it might just be me reacting on the cultural chock I’m living through since moving to Istanbul.

In Turkish society even the people calling themselves a-political are very much political. Everybody has an opinion on what is happening. Everybody. No exception possible. It either be a nationalistic (many), either anarchistic (very few) or leftish (very few as well). It’s incredible as people are opinionated. To the very extreme. It’s either you’re in favor or you’re against something and with that that very person who stand for those idea’s. It’s very much black or white. There seems no existence of the color gray. No fucking way.

And people are not afraid to come out and talk about their opinions. About their ideology. Not afraid at all. There’s so much openness about it it might be impossible to comprehend. But it seems that this goes hand in hand with the polarization between ideologies. Between black and white.

This makes it very strange that in a different part of people all is hidden. The part that isn’t politics but is our personal emotional behavior. And when I write hidden I actually mean Hidden. Completely covered up. Non accessible. Not at all.

It’s like people are too afraid to describe, to even talk or think about what is going on inside them. What they are feeling. What they are experiencing. That is something that is not in accordance with that crazy openness about everything that is political.

It makes one wonder how complete this society or even an individual is when there’s only polarization on the political level of life and there is no talk of what is going on in our heart. Can this then really be a society where respect and love is present? When there’s so little of that respect and love for each other actually shown between individuals? Or maybe it’s all about politics here. Nothing about love. Nothing about the heart.

Hopenhagen? Fuck No! More like Hellhagen

Feeling wise it seems the best way to move on from Copenhagen is to state that whatever happened in Copenhagen should remain there. A secret. Something less than perfect that needs no attention. A failure of the worst kind. Something that was supposed to be so good but turned into humanity’s worst nightmare.

This should be kept under wraps. We’re humans as it is. We would like to cover things up. Not see the truth. Live in an illusion. An illusion that we might keep till things come falling, crumbled, down upon our own little not-understanding heads. Should we? Can we? Will we be able to?

The outcome of Copenhagen was disastrous. Fuck, it even was disastrous the whole 12 days it lasted. It was already when it started an atrocity. With the leakking of the ‘Danish Text’ it held the promise of a difficult and hard Conference. That whilst the survival of our climate had to depend on it. Yet the text made the Bella Center buzz with outrage and opposition, especially from the Global South witch would have been threatened in existence and development. The true hero that stood up against all this shit from the developed countries was the little island state of Tuvalu. Because the mere survival of Tuvalu depended upon a fair, ambitious and legally binding agreement to come out of here. With the sea levels rising it is only a matter of a decade or so before the whole country of Tuvalu will be under the waves.

Many of these sad and depressing were being told inside the Bella Center by their delegates and civil society present there. How Climate Injustice also keeps gender injustice in powerful. How droughts were hitting parts of the African continent. How more than 900 million people depend upon the water of geltsjers that are now melting.

But all this apparently didn’t matter for those that were supposed to be our leaders. They kept distance. They kept silent. Or they kept on lying and making all these promises that they knew they wouldn’t keep. The EU and USA were cut out to do that job. They kept on skimming with malicious leaked texts, damaging meetings in Brussels and treating Global South and civil society delegates as trash.

They didn’t want to hear the facts, nor the voices of the thousands marching outside the Conference Center and all around the world on the 12th to ask for Climate Justice. They went on the path  they most probably already agreed upon before. To screw the Conference. And they were helpfully assisted the officials of the UNFCCC and the Danish Police forces.

Any opposition to what was going on, anything that even smelled like what would take to fight Climate Change was crushed. Either by Civil Society’s delegate numbers being demolished, Either by the protesters outside being beaten up, arrested, Pepper sprayed or held in the cold for hours. Either by complete ignoring the Global South. Those ones that have caused this current climate crisis the least but will be affected the first and the worst.

They. The Developed Countries. The West. They have ridiculed any outcome of The Climate Change Conference. They have made it fail. They looked out for their own national best interests. The protection of their lifestyle. The safeguarding of their economies.

Could this be worth covering up?

The Hypocrisy of a Majority Thinking

In our current understanding of democracy it is clear that societal changes (or any change for that matter) can only be made when 50% or more of the voters agree with this change. Or vote in favor of it. it’s the way our governmental coalitions are formed. It’s the way our laws are forged. It’s the way we are structured. We can see this principle nearly everywhere. In politics. In civil society.
This understanding of democracy seems to be set in stone and certain for some. But is it really something we should strive for in democracy?

Doesn’t democracy actually mean solidarity? Doesn’t it mean inclusion?
Isn’t it highly questionable that this 50% and more rule is actually not working against solidarity and inclusion? I would say No. Because there is no way in this rule that all of society is shown solidarity and the inclusion they deserve. There will always be hatred and exclusion when we keep pretending that in a democracy an amount of people should agree and then after that everything would be okay. Just okay.
Because it isn’t. If only a certain amount of people agree then there is another amount of people not agreeing with whatever that should be agreed upon. This is a democratic deficit.

It’s a democratic deficit as such that if those decisions and agreement carried by that majority would harm that minority that disagrees, it would mean exclusion and discrimination. It is a democratic deficit since harm is done to minorities and that that then is carried to the institutions that form our societies.

Can we then still say that we live in a democracy?

Love?

We’re all looking for love. Looking to be loved. Looking to give love. Looking to be love.
Because we can’t live without love. We might not even die without it. We desperately need it. We feel empty without it. We feel happy when we find it.
No matter if it’s that special somebody you’re ready to share the rest of your life with. No matter if it’s your best friend who you hare even your heartbeat with.. No matter if it’s the cat you’ve had since you were 5. No matter if it would be the scenery on that hill where you stood watching the sun rise on that rainy morning. No matter if it’s your therapy group you share all your thoughts and emotions with once a week.

We need it. We can’t live without it. Because it doesn’t matter in what manner it is and with who or what it is. But it makes u happy. Happy in a way that hatred or even dislike doesn’t even matter anymore. Happy as such that we can forget everything else for a brief moment in time. It allows us to focus on whatever is happening in that now. Enjoy it whilst it last. And carry that memory within us till death do us part.