—…—

Lord knows I haven’t been myself for quite a while now.And I even doubt if I’ve ever been completely myself. Everything that I always took for granted or thought I had made my mind up for a long time, now felt like on the verge of being shattered into a million pieces. Because for the past few years I’ve been doing my very best to live in either complete denial of my being or kill every sane thought or real emotion in heaps of alcohol or weed. And I got to that point of no return. Contemplating either suicide or getting back to some psychiatric facility for some alone time. Because I got to that point where I’ve been before. Alone. Insecure about the future. Emotionless. And not able to cope with pain.
All cut off from everybody and even myself. Not sure anymore what to think or feel. Betrayed by everybody and mostly myself. Everything I convinced myself to be true and full of faith for these past 10 years seemed so wrong. Ever since I cut the ties with my family I’ve been building my life for myself. Building it on shallow grounds. On the pretense of friendship and new founded families. Of newer love. But it was all pretense. Pretense I blamed many other people but was unable to cope with myself. For as I have never been able to be myself completely whilst still being a part of my family I now know I couldn’t be that as well after I cut those ties. Because I was and still am too afraid to trust anybody. It either be a family member or a friend that no matter what I hold very dear to my heart. I just can’t. The disappointment would be too much. And there has been too much shit in my life that I can’t share with just anybody. Considering also that the times I have shared, trusted somebody with whatever was under my surface, even little, it always came back and spat in my face.
Therefor I feel that these past 10 years have been a failure. This distance between blood hasn’t brought me the things I thought it would. It neither brought me happiness nor love. I simply couldn’t built my life the way I wanted it to be free from my family. All I actually achieved in these 10 years is that I’m now back at the point of feeling as bad as I was as a 15-year old for not being able to be me. But how could I, how can I be myself when I don’t even know or turn into words who the fuck I am, what I’m feeling or thinking?
Therefor I went back. Back to my blood. Back to the past. At least I feel somewhat loved here. The connection is too strong for anything less. Even though they are as racist, homophobic, paternalistic, militaristic, nationalistic and muslim as in my memories. But they are my family. And I need some time with them to make up my mind and to feel sure for whatever the future holds. To actually know whatever whoever I am. Maybe this will not be what I hope it will be, but somehow I need to know, need to feel right again. Regain some humanity. I only need to make sure I don’t end up married to some distant relative before that time comes.

One response to “—…—

  1. Sometimes the search after who you really are, what do you really want, what is that thing what makes you happy…sometimes it takes life-time. It doesnt mean that you are lost. Maybe you just feel deeper than some other people around you. And what happened – the real feeling became burried inside of you because of pain you felt, because some … See Morepeople feel less than you and hurt you a lot. It is very easy to search for cure in alcohol, drugs, sex etc. It is easy to find, easy to get, but not efficient at all. But this you need to discover on your own. I remember when you wrote some quotation from M. Luther…”An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.” – Martin Luther King. I dont think, that you need to care of whole humanity. Just start to care about people around you.Try to do something nice for you as well. Maybe a good start would be to change your look at the world. Not everyone is trying to hurt you. People like you. You have many real friends. Throw away pessimism, try to help also others, make them smile (I dont mean smile you get after smoking some weed) and it will come back. You are such person, you care about others. It is always enriching to talk to you. You are a beautiful person. But when was the last time you smiled, you laught from the heart? I wish you to do that. I wish you only the best and to be happy. I wish you to stop fighting and to start enjoying the life.
    Sorry, for this short emotional flow, maybe it doesnt make much sence.
    But, I like you a lot, Battal.

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