Category Archives: personal

Love?

I don’t know if it’s just that time of the year, if it’s what I am encountering here in Turkey or if it’s my hormones playing up or whatever. But I’ve been asking myself more than often that same question over and over; “What is actually that emotion people describe as love?”.

I’m not sure. Through the years I’ve had various definitions of love. Different descriptions of that very important emotion. But I doubt if I’ve ever fully grasped it. Maybe even that is not possible. And it might change with time and experiences.

The only truth in this may as well be that ever since I was born I have tried to find love. Wherever possible. With my parents. With the very wrong friends or boyfriends. With people that deserted me after a while for all the obvious reasons. I’ve tried loving. Loving to the core. Loving in the fullest possible manner. Because I always felt that that particular emotion was missing in my existence. I’ve simply never encountered love in any sense when I was a kid. This is not something to be sad or depressed about. It’s just a fact like any other.

And to be frank, even if that was a fact in my childhood, I’ve never ever felt loved in my life. Of course looking back objectively I must say that there were people that surely loved me. But it never felt that way. It was nearly like I programmed myself that I was not deserving to be loved. I was only capable to give love. Not expecting anything in return. Except maybe to be disappointed and heartbroken.

It’s maybe something I’ve come to think about since experiencing the society here. Where emotions like love are so well hidden from each other. It might as well not be possible to love out in the open in this country. Or even to feel anything besides hidden friendship for each other. But what really is love?

If it is really something I do not feel secure enough to deserve then what? If it’s nothing I can receive but only give? If it’s only something that needs to be hidden far, far away from the public eye? If it’s really a rationalizing of what is possible and what not? Is it really worth it then? Or is it just worth anything? Is it everything you can wish for; to love and to be loved?

Politics and Love in Turkey

This is something strange. It’s something I’m not sure I understand nor if I want to understand. It’s something so deeply rooted it’s even quite worrying. And it even might be fucked up. But at the same time it might just be me reacting on the cultural chock I’m living through since moving to Istanbul.

In Turkish society even the people calling themselves a-political are very much political. Everybody has an opinion on what is happening. Everybody. No exception possible. It either be a nationalistic (many), either anarchistic (very few) or leftish (very few as well). It’s incredible as people are opinionated. To the very extreme. It’s either you’re in favor or you’re against something and with that that very person who stand for those idea’s. It’s very much black or white. There seems no existence of the color gray. No fucking way.

And people are not afraid to come out and talk about their opinions. About their ideology. Not afraid at all. There’s so much openness about it it might be impossible to comprehend. But it seems that this goes hand in hand with the polarization between ideologies. Between black and white.

This makes it very strange that in a different part of people all is hidden. The part that isn’t politics but is our personal emotional behavior. And when I write hidden I actually mean Hidden. Completely covered up. Non accessible. Not at all.

It’s like people are too afraid to describe, to even talk or think about what is going on inside them. What they are feeling. What they are experiencing. That is something that is not in accordance with that crazy openness about everything that is political.

It makes one wonder how complete this society or even an individual is when there’s only polarization on the political level of life and there is no talk of what is going on in our heart. Can this then really be a society where respect and love is present? When there’s so little of that respect and love for each other actually shown between individuals? Or maybe it’s all about politics here. Nothing about love. Nothing about the heart.

One Night Only

You want all my love and my devotion
You want my loving soul right on the line
I have no doubt that I could love you forever
The only trouble is, you really don’t have the time
You’ve got one night only, one night only
That’s all you have to spare
One night only, let’s not pretend to care
One night only, one night only
Come on big baby come on
One night only, we only have ’til dawn
In the morning this feeling will be gone
It has no chance going on
Something so right has got no chance to live
So let’s forget about chances, this one night I will give

COP Me Hard

And it’s day 3 of the United Nations Conference on Climate Change, better known as the COP15, held in Copenhagen till the 18th of December 2009.

Many things have already happened since we and the FYEG delegation have arrived. For more info one could turn to twitter and the FYEG Blog.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I’m through accepting limits
”cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And never bring me down!
bring me down!

Vole

Window

When he looked out that window he say so many different things. So many beautiful things. Things that left him breathless. Breathless and aching for more.
Aching since this moment where he saw all these things wasn’t going to last. It just wasn’t going to last since he would have to turn around. Stop his stare out of the window and return back to this cruel reality that is life before dying.

He never imagined it to be this hard. Dying that is. He always imagined it would be something easy. Maybe even the easiest thing he would ever encounter. Sleeping. Dozing off and never waking up. Not noticing that life had come to an end. If it even was an end. Maybe it would be better to put it as the unknown. As that is really what it is. It is the unknown as nobody knows what awaits there. Or what doesn’t await there.

But it was hard. All this pain. Both mentally and physically. Hurting. Like it never had done before. Everywhere. Therefor it would be a relief when this all stop. Or goes on to the unknown. But at least the pain would be left behind. Well, hopefully it wouldn’t come with to the unknown. And if it was the end it would also mean the end of all this hurting.

And that would be beautiful too. It would be better. It will be different. It will be something other than what was in the now. But it will feel better. As nothing could be any worse than this reality. Even in all its beauty that this moment carried.