RENT

What should have been a relaxing weekend, turned out to be filled with fooking emotions, flash-backs and tears.
RENT, the cause of it all.
When I picked this movie up in the shop, I couldn’t imagine what it would do to me. I had bearly heard about it. I knew it was a musical.
Yeah, normally a musical makes me cry, but in a good way. It are tears of joy and happiness that I shed.
Now it were tears full of painfull memories.

The movie trips over issues as AIDS, Junkies, Love, hookers, Love, Death and Missing.
Oh boy. It seemed to me that this was nearly a film about me. As missing is a part of my life, it’s somehow something i’ve grown used to. But here I’m not talking about missing my friends, brothers and sisters, who live all over the globe. I know there will be a moment/situation/seminar/whatever where We will meet again. No mather what. No mather where. But I’m talking about the true missing. The missing of people who aren’t here anymore.

I’ve lost people to fooking everything that can take life away from the living. There was Floris, Eva, Benjamin, and Johnny. There was suicide, cancer, aids and an overdose. Everything that’s shitty in this life struck them. Struck Us.

But hey! I’ve got a lot to be these folks thankfull to. they made me the person I am today. I may be missing them, but they are a part of me.
He showed me love, for being the love of my life. She gave me a glimpse of strenght, to continue living. He stuffed me with bravery, for being proud of who and whatever a person is. He shook me with emotions, for never having to be afraid of them ever again.

It may be true that they are dead. And from time to time, like today, I weep for them. Or is it that I shed these tears for me? Because living without them, sometimes, doesn’t feel worthy?
But I don’t believe in Heaven. So what shall I do?
I can’t comfort myself with the thought oif ever seeing them again.
But then the with every painfull thought also the joyfull memories come back. We once had so much fun together. We lived. They lived. I lived.

And then I know that even if their hearts stopped beating in time, they beat in mine. Because they shapped me. They are in my veins, in my blood.