Yesterday I went to Antwerp for a party.
I was supposed to work behind the bar for this electroparty ‘UitUweZetel’for Gayzzz and their Friendzzz. Not many people found their way to the party but the music was good and the lesbians were zekzie ;).
Not only I earned some much needed money but there was also somebody who needed to say in my face that he was a racist.
That was a first. Nobody ever did that in my face.
They always say ;”I’m not a racist, but…”. I fooking hate that phrase.
but back to the subject.
When he said that I really didn’t know what to do: cry or just laugh.
Mostly when I come in situations in real life where there is spoken of racism I just laugh and act sarcastic.
And so I did.
But now sitting here behind my laptop with a cigaret I can’t help thinking what the fook I’m doing?
I’m living in a part of Belgium where discrimination and xenophobia have become regular things.
This really pisses me off and I can’t deal with it.
I just don’t wanna live in something where this becomes ‘normal’.
I even hate it to always talk about racism and discrimination.
But it keeps me busy wondering.
And at this moment it just makes me cry.
This totally does not fit the Image I have from society.
I really don’t want to live in a society where those things exist.
And I even don’t want to fight it.
I’m sick off it.
And then it comes to, again, to the question:
should I just move somewhere else (another country) and is it not everyhere the same?
Where can I call home?
Is it Belgium?
Is it Turkey?
Is it the world?
At this moment I just wanna run and hide somewhere… doesn’t matter where it is… as long it isn’t here.
But what would I be willing to leave behind?
– people I call friends? (yes I know some people are gonna yell at me after reading this but I can’t say I care… as I recall… I haven’t seen many of you for weeks)
– My school? (I even don’t know if i wanna finish this cause I really don’t know if I’m cut out for that kind of work)
– Jong Groen!? (some things are really bothering me and since I know what people think of me I kinda stopped carring about it)
– Merhaba? (I haven’t had the time the last few months for it and I even don’t think they really need me)
– My boyfriend? (I think it says it all that I only think of him now and that he ended up at the end of the list)
Is this all?
(and yes I know that I’m acting like a faggot drama-queen! but I’m really fed up with it all)