Lord knows I haven’t been myself for quite a while now.And I even doubt if I’ve ever been completely myself. Everything that I always took for granted or thought I had made my mind up for a long time, now felt like on the verge of being shattered into a million pieces. Because for the past few years I’ve been doing my very best to live in either complete denial of my being or kill every sane thought or real emotion in heaps of alcohol or weed. And I got to that point of no return. Contemplating either suicide or getting back to some psychiatric facility for some alone time. Because I got to that point where I’ve been before. Alone. Insecure about the future. Emotionless. And not able to cope with pain.
All cut off from everybody and even myself. Not sure anymore what to think or feel. Betrayed by everybody and mostly myself. Everything I convinced myself to be true and full of faith for these past 10 years seemed so wrong. Ever since I cut the ties with my family I’ve been building my life for myself. Building it on shallow grounds. On the pretense of friendship and new founded families. Of newer love. But it was all pretense. Pretense I blamed many other people but was unable to cope with myself. For as I have never been able to be myself completely whilst still being a part of my family I now know I couldn’t be that as well after I cut those ties. Because I was and still am too afraid to trust anybody. It either be a family member or a friend that no matter what I hold very dear to my heart. I just can’t. The disappointment would be too much. And there has been too much shit in my life that I can’t share with just anybody. Considering also that the times I have shared, trusted somebody with whatever was under my surface, even little, it always came back and spat in my face.
Therefor I feel that these past 10 years have been a failure. This distance between blood hasn’t brought me the things I thought it would. It neither brought me happiness nor love. I simply couldn’t built my life the way I wanted it to be free from my family. All I actually achieved in these 10 years is that I’m now back at the point of feeling as bad as I was as a 15-year old for not being able to be me. But how could I, how can I be myself when I don’t even know or turn into words who the fuck I am, what I’m feeling or thinking?
Therefor I went back. Back to my blood. Back to the past. At least I feel somewhat loved here. The connection is too strong for anything less. Even though they are as racist, homophobic, paternalistic, militaristic, nationalistic and muslim as in my memories. But they are my family. And I need some time with them to make up my mind and to feel sure for whatever the future holds. To actually know whatever whoever I am. Maybe this will not be what I hope it will be, but somehow I need to know, need to feel right again. Regain some humanity. I only need to make sure I don’t end up married to some distant relative before that time comes.
Today, January 19th 2010, it has been 3 years that Hrant Dink was brutally murdered. He was assassinated after years of being threatened, being ridiculed and hated upon. This was brought upon by nationalist, racist and fascist people, government and law. Till now only 5 people are under prosecution but there hasn’t been a verdict yet. It also seems clear that not only those 5 people are responsible for the murder of Hrant Dink.
Many more persons and even institutions inside the Turkish Republic are as such responsible. First and foremost for not protecting Hrant Dink for his right of freedom of speech and as one of the biggest fighters for Democracy in this country. But also for making it possible that there was a flood of hate against the man that only had the best in sight for a country that also he considered his home although he was from Armenian-Turkish descendant and therefor the victim of much racism. They are also responsible for hindering justice for the culprits behind the murder are still protected by those people and institutions and even are part of those very institutions that would make up this pretense of a democracy.
Thousands have stood, listening to friends and family of Hrant, this morning on the place where he fell. Thousands have walked Istiklal to ask for justice this evening. As they have done for several moments during these past 3 years. But still the culprits of the murder. The murder of the pretense of democracy. Are not even punished. They are being protected by whatever state calls itself a democracy. A democracy that can not even provide justice in a murder-case where evidence is very clear. Very clear that this Republic is rotten. Rotten by hatred. Rotten by the murder of innocents.
It is time that this passes. That this is cleaned up. That justice prevails. That democracy shines its light upon this country and that the hatred can be shot instead of those who want to bring peace and understanding. For Hrant. Because we’re all Hrant in this country. We’re all oppressed. We’re all Armenian.
An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
It fills me with happiness
Happiness that brings back a memory
A memory of you
You lying on that pillow
That pillow I now cover my face in
My face that smiles entirely with only the thought of you
You who held my hand
My hand that you squeezed
Squeezed to let me know this was a moment beyond words
Words that can not tell the tale
The tale of love.
Love that is certainly not ment to be
Politics in Turkey is very different that I’m used to in Belgium or even Western Europe. And if for one thing being active in a European Political Federation is that is very informative about the sense of politics. Politics as in political parties. Politics as in a parliamentary democracy. Politics between right- and left-wing policies.
And in those things politics in Turkey is very different. In every sense.
It might be very strange to understand for anybody who is used to any kind of Western European kind of politics but it is so. I only hope that by writing this down I don’t seem too much like a spoiled Western European brat who knows things so much better. A kinder manner of neo-imperialism.
But things in Turkey are very different indeed. For one there seems to be no such thing as a difference between political parties. All of them seem to be very nationalistic minded, militaristic and conservative. There seems to be no such thing as a difference as in conservatives, liberals, socialists and progressives.
If there’s any difference then that should be that between black and white. There is no such thing as a grey area of politics. You’re either in favor or against. No middle way at all. And in such extremist surroundings it doesn’t even make sense to be grey. Not at all. No sense at all. Because that only confuses. And confusion in the field of politics, or for whatever else that matters is just not done in Turkish society.
This black or white thinking also makes it impossible to ever think about a parliamentary democracy. The closure of any Kurdish party (the only worthy opposition party possible) has shown this. Seven Kurdish parties have been closed down this way. Because they were against a majority thinking Because they were against a Turkish nationalistic approach. Because they defended a minority (maybe only the biggest minority in the Turkish Republic, but still). And this is unsettling in what should be considered a democracy. This is actually not even worth to be called a democracy when parties that stand up for minority rights are abolished just because of that. And all other reasons given are just crap.
Also the complete lack of something that could be considered a a left-wing party in the Turkish Republic is completely strange. Because no matter how progressive a party may seem here, it is always overshadowed by nationalism, by militarism or by clear racism. There is as such no such thing as critical thinking. And that is something that is needed to be left-wing, to be progressive. To be able to change.
And therefor I fear that this way of politics, that has drowned society, or that is maybe a result of the societies wishes, maybe never really ready for democracy. Or even the illusion of democracy. Because democracy as such takes courage to think differently. To be in acceptance of minimal change.
Gücün var mı sevgilim,
Derin sularda inci tanesi aramaya?
Hala benle aşktan konuşmaya
Söyle canım sevgilim
Hayat bize oyun oynuyor olabilir mi?
Yorgun gibi bir halin var
Duyguların karışık olabilir mi?
Sil baştan başlamak gerek bazen
Sil baştan sevmek gerek bazen
Sanki bugün son günmüş gibi
Dolu dolu yaşamak istiyorum ben
Her ne çıkarsa yoluma
Selam verip yürümek istiyorum ben
Sil baştan başlamak gerek bazen
Sil baştan sevmek gerek bazen